i get good sleep everyday
but when I wake it feels like i never rested.
there's an apathetic moment when i wake up where i don't realize that I'm conscious, but i know that i'm alive
that's probably the best part of my day because i'm too tired to realize that i have expectations to worry about
i just exist ignorantly
staying in this city has been extremely draining
i've grown out of most of my friends and staying around them forces me recede into an old shedded skin
sorry i'm not him anymore, i met you when i was younger and he's not me
people here who have redeeming qualities come far and few
and usually are smart enough to not want to stay here either
i visualize myself anywhere but where i currently am
i only embody a perfect perceived cookie cut idea of myself
and it makes everything easier to cope with
it is hard to love with the constant looming thought of betrayal
i used to have goals but nothing seems acheivable anymore
for a while i had hope in myself and others had hope in me
but now i only let everyone including myself down
i have wishes and dreams that i still cling to
i don't know what other than literal survival keeps me going, i look forward to nothing
if i keep this up i will die impoverished and alone
i hope for physical altercations with strangers at random as justified opportunities to release pent up anger
i'm easily disgusted or angered by my surroundings
especially in places i am forced to stay
i exercise on a regular basis
it makes me look and feel better
i want to get better
i want to be open minded
i want to help myself
but i think part of why i can't make progress right now is because
i don't know what good i am capable of